Indian Guy’s blog

I feel really stupid about my last post. I have always been bad at expressing myself and that post just goes on to prove the point. Fuck.....I feel so stupid.

Am I in love with you? I will never really know i guess. I know i miss you though. I miss you like crazy. I still remember the day I thought I was seeing you for the last time, for a while at least. I remember sitting besides you in the theatre, looking at you, and thinking about the months I will have to spend by myself, not seeing you once. I remember smoking countless number of cigarettes thinking about you moving out from the city.

I have known you for such a long time. In the last eight years or so, I have lived in three different places, making friends, losing some. But I remember you as the only constant factor in my life throughout those years. I remember you as my best friend, for as long as I can look back into memory. I remember you being there when I needed you the most. When i had to ask out that girl in 11th grade. I remember asking you on advice, on how I should tell her; and I remember calling her from your place.

I remember introducing you to him; and your falling in love with him. I remember my being jealous about your spending more time with him than you did with me. And I remember pretending like it didn’t matter to me. I remember fighting with myself, trying to convince myself that you could not possibly be more than a friend; that I should be pragmatic about these things. I was a good friend, and that is what I will always be, no more, no less.

I remember that time when you had gone off to boarding school. I remember trying to convince myself that if you would only be there for a month during the whole year, there was no way I could think about anything serious between us. And I remember you coming back, and my falling in love with you again. I remember you telling me about the guy you really liked. I remember the long walks where you told me about all your relationships. And I remember listening, quietly and patiently. I remember someone calling you when we were walking and your telling him that I was a good listener.

And I remember meeting you for two days when you came back and falling in love with you every single time, again and again. I remember telling myself that you were just a friend, that you trusted me, and my having feelings for you was just not fair. And I remember not being able to help those feelings. And then I remember being drunk and calling your brother and telling him that I liked you. That I had always liked you. That he should not tell you this.

And I remember meeting him and him telling me that you always knew, that you still do. And I remember your still meeting me, knowing what I thought of you. I remember your still taking the time out to call me when you were going through what was probably the worst break up you’ve ever had. And I remember your trying to make me laugh and make me feel like everything was just the same.

And I remember being depressed two days before you left. I remember having arguments with everyone, just because I was depressed. And I remember breaking down, and feeling those tears against my face. And I remember trying to look happy when I saw you on the last day. I remember hugging you and saying goodbye and saying that I’ll miss you.

And now that you are gone, I don’t know what to do. This time, it all just seemed so final. Like this time, it was REALLY happening. That you will be gone for two years at least. That you will have a year of college after that. I still don’t know when I will meet you next. I will talk to you, of course, but it is not the same, is it? I miss my best friend. I miss your smile. I miss the way you look at me when you say something and I give a mono-syllabic reply. I miss your curly hair, and I miss the way I could talk to you; like I could talk to no-one else. After three years, will you still be the same? Will WE be the same, good friends, accepting each other for who we are, and not judging. Hearing each other out, like we understand. People change with time, and I have lost a lot of friends; but I don’t want to lose you. To you, I will never be more than a friend, and I can accept that, but I want to cling on to that friendship. Don’t leave me alone in this fucked up world where people judge too much. You have always accepted me for who I was, just don’t leave me alone. That is all I ask of you.

i was just doing some work tonight when i sudenly wondered why i have had this urge to start blogging....i just realized that there are things about me that noone knows.....these are things that i have never told anyone, and probably, never will.....mainly because i am afraid about how people will start judging me if they know these things.....my blog is a place where i think i can let go of these things without worrying to much.......knowing, or hoping at least there is someone out there who might relate, or at least empathize with me......what are these things????well, i don't know yet if i can talk about them.....maybe eventually someday, i'll be stronger emotionally, strong enough to be able to write about it all.....

i'm sitting at the village coffee shop trying to write an english paper......i've been sitting here for the last four hours and all i've written is a little less than two paragraphs(double spaced)........how DO people write essays???? i'm sick and tired and i've had four cups of coffee and smoked countless cigarettes and it hasn't helped........life sucks right now......

so here i am......sitting in my room at 12 in the night trying to call up a friend in dubai to wish him on his birthday......since the only way i can make calls is through the computer coz i dont have international calling on my phone, i decide to buy some skype credit.....sound simple enough.....i go to the link and enter my debit card info.....it brings up a nice little verified by visa form which i fill with the correct details.....only to realize my transaction has been rejected.......rejected????obviously, i made a typing mistake somewhere....i give it another shot......4 more actually....and all i can see is that my transaction has failed....i try to call my bank but the call center is closed.....well, maybe i don't have enough balance i think and open up my account page in my browser....well, it looks like i have 294 bucks and all i need is 10 dollars and i can't fucking understand where the problem is.......well, shit happens.....so i take out my other debit card and try to give it a shot......everything is just fine till the verified by visa window pops up again......i fill in all my info except for my ssn....my ssn???? i don't have a fucking ssn(the other bank had another field instead of the ssn).....i'm not american......i call up verified by visa's customer service.....the guy on the other end of the phone is nice enough.......he asks me what the problem his....i explain it.....he then says banks usually put in 9999 or 0000 for cases like mine......well, that doesn't seem to work for me i tell him......he says he will be happy to pull up my info on his computer but does not guarantee he can help me......i don't mind.....i give all my info and he pulls up my stuff.....they have a number for you, he tells me......well, um, what number is it? i ask....i'm afraid i can;t just give it to you but if you can guess it correctly you can have it......so well, is it 4 digits like my pin???? no its nine actually but if you can give me just the last four i'll be happy to assist you.......and then starts the never-ending guessing game....my zip code, my cell number, my room number, my birth year, my birth date and month, my university id number, my bank account number(ending in 8823).......well, thats close......close????i am trying to use my card here.....you got the last digit right but the rest are wrong??? so it ends in 3? thats right, it does......well, thats a lot of help i tell him.....the guy apologizes to me but says he can't do anything else but if there are any other numbers i can think of, he can wait.....by now its 2.15 and i'm tired....of trying to make my card work......well, he says i'll have to call my bank......i thank him and hang up......why is online banking so complicated......can't you have one password like my email.......this has been the most frustrating night i've had here at purdue.....i'm still wondering what that code could be...........

i don't know what the fuck was wrong with me last night.....i went to the Hookah bar in Chauncey and there were a couple of people with me.....i was feeling unnaturally generous so i decided to pick up everyone's tab...i just went up to the counter and asked my server for the check.....i look at it and i see a total of 59.45 and what i also see somewhere on the check is '18% gratuity' but what i do not realize is it has been included in the total amount.....so i decide to round off the amount to 60 and add a 20% tip.....also, i get all my calculations wrong....instead of adding 20% of 60(which is 12), i add 20 bucks to the amount.....which adds up to a ridiculous total of 80.......i was wondering all this while what i had ordered that made the total go up so high......only when i come out and one of my friends asks me how much i paid and i take out and read the bill carefully do i realize what i just did.......when i gave her the check, she said the usual 'thanks, have a good night' stuff but a second later she saw how much i had added and she looked me in the eye and said thankyou....only when i walked out did i realize what that thankyou was for.....fuck, what a horribe night.....

its been over a semester since i've come here.....to purdue, that is and all i can make out about other indians is that they are the most disgusting people i have ever met......i don't mean it in a racist way....i am indian too.....but every time i have encountered another indian and got to know him/her well enough, they turned out to be the most disgusting, manipulative people i ever met in my life........don't get me wrong......two of my closest friends here happen to be indians....but when i think of this guy who i got to know really well and how he suddenly stopped picking up my calls coz he thought i was friends with him so i could use his car....i paid him for the fucking fuel for god's sake....to hell with the car, what about all the fucking times he called me at 2 in the night and i went down in the ridiculous cold to smoke with him.....i hate generalizing but all i think after meeting all these pathetic  people is why we(indians) are so selfish and just plain repulsive.......